The Poetist

I didn’t eat anything yesterday.

That’s not exactly true… I had a bowl of oatmeal in the morning and most of a cup of hot cocoa in the evening.  But at least I managed not to spend the day in bed.  I strongly preferred forced sleep over facing the day, but that was only sustainable for the first few hours as I couldn’t continue to ignore my morning hunger.

I guess you could say I’m going through a rough patch right now.  I realized yesterday that my sense of satisfaction with life was far more delicate than I originally thought.  It became clear to me yesterday when the one thing in my life that I was excited about started going to pieces.  Deprived of the joy it gave me I realized I had nothing else in my life bringing me joy.

I understand this is all very vague, so let me bring it in…

Joblessness has been tough for me because I’ve tried hard to be employed and it hasn’t happened yet.  I thought setting a goal might help so I ‘decided’ that I would have a job and a place to live (in Chicago) by my birthday, January 29th.  What I learned from that is that you can’t place a timeline on those things!  I was giving myself 3 weeks to get a job and move half-way across the country… ambitious, and quite possibly impossible.  My birthday itself was a really tough Sixteen Candles -esque day as my birthday seemed to be only a minor afterthought for my family, and that morning the harsh reality of my job situation came crashing down on me.  After a phone interview with a company in Chicago in the morning I realized that my plan wasn’t going to work.

Plan B – unemployment benefits – didn’t work either.  I applied for unemployment benefits from the state of Iowa, but I was told that as I didn’t work in the United States in the previous year I wasn’t eligible for unemployment benefits until April.  I think everybody knows by now that I’m still owed over $2000 by my Japanese employer who went bankrupt; and I’m not eligible to receive unemployment benefits from Japan either.

So here I am, ineligible in America and screwed by Japan; no solid job prospects and no income.  Sure, I have potential; I’m young and bright, have an interesting resume (a job in Japan and a presidential campaign!), etc; but I’m still unemployed.

So my joy, when I have it, is in people – my friends in Chapel Hill and my boyfriend in California.  Long distance relationships are hard, but for the right person you want to try  to make it work…
I think this is maybe the most personal blog I’ve done.  Suffice it to say, I’m losing my sources of joy.  I know I’ll always have my friends but when the patch gets rougher and rougher that little bit of balm can still only go so far.  Today I got out of bed and put on make-up and a skirt; played a little bit of Attack on Facebook (my new favorite thing to do).  I often wish I could go to sleep and wake up in three months.  I got out of the house yesterday and met up with some friends who were studying at a coffee shop.  I tried to be productive and apply for a job.  I ended up just crying a lot.  Even on the way home I was sobbing so hard everything was blurry.  And I didn’t eat.

Today I only spent an extra hour in bed – and that was with a book.  I had my daily bowl of oatmeal… but I’m still not hungry.