Mais Oui! May 31, 2009
Posted by adelle387 in France, escapades, travel.add a comment
Last Thursday I flew to Paris for a petite vacation; the plan was to spend the weekend in Paris and the week in Aix-en-Provence, relaxing and boning up on my spoken French. Here are some of the highlights of my trip:
Thursday/Friday
1. On the plane I sat between a cute but slightly bewildered older American lady, and a cute but slightly bewildered older French man. I knew he was French before he opened his mouth because he had his sweater draped over his back, the sleeves tied at his chest. A number of people wore their sweaters this way, all of whom turned out to be French.
2. The French man and I chatted quite a bit en français during the trip, and I even told him about my wheat allergy. I had forgotten to look up the words for flour and wheat before I left, so when he asked if I was going to eat the piece of bread and crackers that I had left on my tray I explained that “no, I have an allergy to… things like this.” After listing a few other things I couldn’t eat he understood what I was trying to say: la farine. We talked a bit about how much it sucked to not be able to eat so many tasty things that contained la farine, and I explained that even beer was off limits because of it. He was very surprised. La farine? Non! So I was like, mais oui! beer comes from la farine. The man was genuinely surprised and I wasn’t sure if he belived me. I realized a few hours later that I told him beer came from FLOUR (la farine), and not WHEAT (le blé). So he was correct; beer doesn’t come from flour.
3. I managed to sleep on and off during the flight from Minneapolis to Paris which was great, because I went straight from the airport to the hostel to drop off my bags – and then straight to the Facebook office in Paris because I had to kick of my vacation with… work. It was nice to meet the Facebook Paris crowd (shout-out to Xavier L.) and see another Facebook office. They too are well stocked with Red Bull, which I dearly appreciated.
4. Back in the hostel there were two other girls in my room – Heather and Julie – and we decided to go out and about in Paris together. One of Julie’s friends told her that students could get into the Louvre for free after a certain time on Friday evenings (or something like that)… and it worked! We didn’t even have to be students, just 25 or under. As it turns out, discounts for les jeunes is very widespread, and I was able to get one almost everywhere. It kind of made me sad that I have less than a year left of being 25.
5. As we were staying in the Marais, we set out to get the best falafel ever at L’As du Falafel. Some friends introduced me to this place when we were studying in Paris in college, and Heather’s guidebook said that Lenny Kravitz was a huge fan. Fortunately, Heather’s guidebook also had a detailed enough map of the area that we were able to find it pretty easily. Unfortunately, it was closed; but there were at least 4 other falafel stands around so we just had some that wasn’t the best ever.
Saturday
6. The three of us set out for brunch together and found a brasserie near our hostel with free Wi-Fi. When ordering I put my newfound (newly remembered) vocab to the test, asking of the sauce for the plat du jour had de la farine or du blé. The person who took our order (and who was filling in for our waiter until he showed up) assured me that it didn’t. Unfortunately, when my waiter brought out my meal it came in a big bowl of pasta! I explained my allergy to him and asked if they could switch out the pasta with some rice. He said they didn’t have rice but that he could give me fries, so I accepted the fries. When he brought the plate back out it had rice.
7. No, Paris is not a great place to have a wheat allergy. And I couldn’t be in Paris and not consume a crepe or a croissant, so I tried to choose my poison carefully. I ignored the bread that came with meals, made sure I wasn’t ordering dishes with wheat, etc, and then “splurged” on a crepe. At least in the beginning. Towards the end of the trip I was running out of money so I kind of started eating anything… but more on that later (stay tuned for Sunday-Friday).
*if you’re my friend on Facebook or in one of my networks you can see my photos at: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2097692&id=2900336&l=b68028be93*
Not so fast, fast fashion! September 14, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in fashion.Tags: CFDA, fast fashion, modal, Target
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Friday night my friend and I went to the mall to see a movie, but ended up at Target instead. Having taken a fairly major spree on serious things at the mall earlier in the week, more shopping was off limits. And somehow I ended up buying a gaggle of fun. And then I read this article that a friend of mine posted to Facebook, and I began to feel guilty about my frivolous purchases.
Fast fashion is coming under fire; first from the CFDA (Council of Fashion Designers of America), and more recently from Great Britain’s House of Lords. There are a lot of valid arguments against it, and personally I don’t believe in fast fashion (but then again, I also don’t believe in wearing shorts, athletic shoes when you’re not exercising, or rubber flip-flops on a daily basis. I do, however, believe in wearing earrings every day), but I also can’t condemn it.
I wasn’t really moved by the argument of the CFDA. They recently rallied against chains like Forever 21 because that chain (like others) brazenly copies designs and sells them for waaaaay less money. It is indeed unfortunate that creative artists who design clothing have no protection for their creations, but the point of fashion is to be spread. It spreads among designers and it filters out into mainstream culture. In the autumn/winter 07 shows (which forecast for spring/summer 08) “painterly” prints were a huge trend. Almost all of the top names – Chanel, Gucci, Dior, etc – showed items expressing the trend. Instead of a backlash against copycats, word spread to buyers and editors that this was a major trend and clothing should be selected and bought accordingly. That’s how the industry works. Designers share the same shapes, the same silhouettes, the same color palettes, the same fabrics, and the same trends.
And if you’ve seen the Devil Wears Prada, you might remember the scene where Anne Hathaway scoffs at the debate over the choice of a belt, and Meryl Streep icily informs her that the choices made by the people in that room ultimately led to the color of her lumpy shapeless sweater purchased from the Gap. Clearly designers want influence; their livelihood depends on other people wanting what they present.
Why then, is it a problem when lower priced retail stores offer what consumers want at a price they can actually afford? Should only wealthy women be able to be well dressed? This might be a news flash for the big-name designers, but most Americans cannot afford to pay $1000 for a shirt, or even $500. Even for those who can, why does this shirt cost $500??? It shouldn’t. What’s happening to the fashion industry happened to the music industry. When the price of goods is artificially high, another party will find a way to produce the same good at a lower cost. If you inflate the value of what you sell, somebody else will be able to sell it for less. If you price for exclusivity, an entrepreneur will find a way to make your goods accessible.
There is also an environmental argument against fast fashion, which I find more palatable. At best, cheap and trendy clothes crowd closets and distract women from what it actually takes to develop style and build a wardrobe. At worst, these clothes are disposed of and crowd landfills. Producing these clothes then, is also wasteful, if they ultimately have a short shelf life. Even some of the longer lasting fabrics are degrading to the environment – and this is something that I haven’t resolved for myself either. I am a huge fan of a new textile called modal (also called lyocell, tencel or rayon). It is soft, hangs beautifully, and washes well. It’s natural, made from wood-fiber, but the chemical treatment of these fibers releases toxins into the environment. This is more of a macro-argument – how far back in the production chain should we take responsibility? Is it enough to only buy clothes that will last a long time? Or must I also know and approve of every step of the production process?
People also like to condemn fast fashion because sweat shop workers in developing countries are paid very little in order to keep costs low. I’m going to put on my “asshole economist” hat for a second, and defend those sweat shops. Even though these workers are generally paid very little, there is evidence that these jobs are better than the alternative of having NO money. So I’m not going to say that low wages are necessarily a bad thing. It’s easy for people to condemn sweat shops and bemoan how little people across the world are paid, but until people become willing to spend more money on clothes, and show that they’re willing by buying more expensive clothes, sweat shops will not go away, no matter how many people clamor against them.
It’s tough to say “no” to fast fashion. I have an unfortunate ability to spend a lot of money on clothing, but as a young person who has felt broke most of my adult life (college included) I understand the lure. I’m happy to spend $75 on a pair of jeans that make the lower half of my body look fabulous, or full price for a pair of well-made shoes that go with everything. But I’m also still experimenting with my look (and my budget) and even I can’t justify spending the big bucks every time I go shopping.
For young people I think that experimental clothing is just as legitimate as investment clothing. But in an attempt to find some kind of resolution, I think the cost-per-wear argument is the best way to go. A while back I bought a beautiful top at Anthropologie because I thought it was perfect – and I had just gotten paid. I’ve worn it maybe 4 times. A few weeks ago I bought a purse at Target that I’ve used nearly every weekend since. Sure, Target is a bastion of fast fashion, but at the end of day that bag was the better buy.
Other related articles:
http://jezebel.com/5040032/we-love-cheap-stuff-but-fast-fashion-is-hard-to-defend
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/04/us/04fashion.html?_r=1&oref=slogin
A nameless entry September 7, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in Back in the U.S.A..Tags: blogging, transition
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It has been a very, very long time since I blogged, and I have missed doing it. Based on some inquiries from friends, it seems like other people have missed it as well. I went from blogging more than once a week in Tokyo to blogging a few posts during my 6 weeks on the John Edwards for President campaign in Iowa, to a small handful of blogs over the course of a few months in the difficult transition from life after the campaign to living in California. And since then, nothing. It’s not been for a lack of time, or a lack of ideas. I have to admit, I’ve been distracted… and not as confident. I started blogging on a regular basis for the first time in Tokyo, and it was fairly easy because every experience, every interaction, every question could be turned into a story, and one that I knew hadn’t been told before – at least not to my audience. And being so far from everyone that I loved and everything that was familiar I certainly had more of an impetus to share as much of my life as I could. Even when I returned from Japan I had the ongoing Nova saga to blog about – in addition to a few missives about reverse culture shock.
Suffice to say, I’ve had things to say but wondered if they would be interesting; wondered if I didn’t need some sort of overarching theme to make my blog relevant. I considered making this a blog about politics. Or making this a blog about my delayed transition into adulthood, as my 13 months in Tokyo now feels like a fantasy that I must have lived in a different lifetime. I thought about consistently blogging about my attempts to be “green” while moving into a new apartment, buying regular household chemicals and consuming goods from Ikea. And so, because I worried about the final product and not the process, I didn’t write anything. I’m not sure why or how, but I think that’s finally changing. My blog is for me, because I enjoy doing it. Any pleasure that anyone else takes out of it is a side benefit. I’d still like to blog about politics, and this new life that I have in California, and a lot of other things… but really, I have no idea what’s going to come out here. I mean, I do, because there are ideas in my head, but instead of framing whatever content may end up here I’d much rather just post what I want to post and give it a name afterwards.
ANNOUNCING May 11, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in Uncategorized.Tags: fashion, Tokyo
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I am very happy to finally announce and present The Fashionista Lab, Tokyo!
My friend Ami and I both enjoy fashion and wanted to publish a magazine, so we decided to do it ourselves! Begun in September of 2007, the Fashionista Lab, Tokyo covers aspect of Tokyo fashion and fashion culture that are not traditionally covered in the well-known fashion magazines. While Japan has exported revered fashion names like Issey Miyake and Rei Kawakubo, stores like UniQlo and Takashimaya, brands such as Shiseido and Evisu, and of course the phenomenon of Harajuku girls, we wanted to show people what is not famous, but that is still everyday Japanese. We hope you take a look!
Life as a Dreamer April 12, 2008
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I woke up this morning, dreaming a dream that I knew wouldn’t come true. I was half-asleep, and so it was half by choice that I dreamed it.
I was content knowing the limits of my dream; I’ve already learned what not to ask for. I knew I could never live it.
But wakefulness and reality pushed their way into my dream, trespassed into my sacred ground. Denied me even my dream.
And still I’m a dreamer. I look at what isn’t and I dream of what could be. I see what will never be and I claim that for my desire. And that’s what I hold on to, the most impossible.
Such is the life of a dreamer, and my dreams. I choose what I cannot have; and I dream it anyway.
A Time Capsule March 15, 2008
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In preparation for moving to the west coast I unpacked and delved through boxes and boxes of things that I hadn’t seen in 1.5 – 5 years. Some of the things I came across made me feel like I had opened a time capsule of who I was when I was younger. Here are a few things I came across…
This one made me laugh – One of my former email aliases was mmmchocolate007.
I uncovered a notebook with three pages in sequence that looked like this:
1st page: Dear Graham
2nd page: Dear Graham
3rd page: Dear Graham,
No!
I vaguely remember the afternoon when my friend and I drafted responses to Graham, although as I remember it was pre-emptive; I don’t think he had actually asked me anything. But it’s good to be prepared, I suppose, even way back in the 6th grade.
In another notebook I found an entry on Feb 14, 1995 that included these predictions for 2005:
Future #1: “I’m not in love. I get paid a lot of money part-time. I’m 21. I’m going to Baryshnikov’s School of Dancing – New York. I plan to be a professional Dancer. I work as Advising Chief-Editor at the Times. I plan to dance for 10 years then become President. You only have to be 33.
Future #2: “I’m 21. I’m married. I’m happily married to Christian Bale. I have triplet girls. Very identical! The birth was almost tragic. All three tried to get out at the same time. Fortunately we got it straightened out. … We live in Beverly Hills and Staten Island. We are very busy, Christian is still acting. I now work at Baryshnikov’s School of Dance – Manhattan. I also work as a librarian in the Bronx. We also have had many successful years on Wall Street, etc. We also travel to Greenwich Village.”
Well, 2005 was 3 years ago and I’m still not married to Christian Bale. I should have been more on the ball when parts of Batman Begins were filmed in downtown Chicago. And speaking of cities, I obviously didn’t know anything about New York City. I was 11, and still 100% a Cali girl. Since I have so many friends in NYC hopefully I’ll take that Greenwich Village vacation soon. 
A comedy of errors that isn’t funny (but that’s still a comedy, kind of) March 5, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in Back in the U.S.A..1 comment so far
March began with a bang. Or a crash, really, as that’s the last sound I heard before I woke up on the floor of the airplane. But a few hours before…
I wasn’t paying attention – or I was, but not to the right thing. My mind was consumed by an email I just received from a friend doling out relationship advice and observations. She was right, and I was… holding onto something that was really only holding me back. In a short time I would fly to Palo Alto to look at apartments and I didn’t have my mind on packing because even I can handle packing for such a utilitarian trip. And then I forgot to go to the airport – until it was way past time to leave. Under normal circumstances I would spend the car ride silently berating myself for whatever series of choices led to this mistake. This time, however, I was thinking about my friend’s email, thinking back to a different set of choices made by a person no longer in my life, and fighting to hold back tears. As soon as the departure lobby doors closed behind me I started to cry. It was silent, nothing major, I just couldn’t hold it in as I swiped my card to check in for the flight. And then I couldn’t check in. The kiosk computer screen directed me to the nearest check-in attendant who told me that their system closed check-in 30 minutes before the flight. My flight was at 4:20, my watch said 3:50. I started to cry, really cry this time. The attendant seemed to genuinely feel bad for me, which I appreciated. She directed me to a phone where I was able to re-book a later flight, for a $100 fee. After finishing on the phone I still needed help from someone behind the counter but the nice lady had been replaced by an über-dragon lady who refused to help me.
I kept crying. On the way to my gate I went into the bathroom to have some privacy and just sobbed to myself in the metal stall. When I felt like I had finished I continued to my gate, looking quite a mess with three bright red spots where my eyes and nose used to be. I chose a seat away from most of the other passengers and called my friend to discuss my relationship woes. It didn’t take long for the seats around me to become occupied but I kept talking about my sadness, confusion and disappointment… all the while crying. After getting off the phone with her I walked down the corridor back to the bathroom, cried some more, returned to the gate, boarded the plane, and cried while the other passengers found their seats.
And then I couldn’t cry any more. After two hours of nearly continuous crying I was simply out of tears. My tear ducts were empty. My eyes felt dry and swollen. Even my mouth was dry, and my whole body was tired. It was as if I had drawn all but the most essential liquid from every possible organ within me and channeled it through my body to pour out from my eyes. I just had nothing left. Nothing but a mild dehydration headache to remind me of the tears. The rest of the flight passed uneventfully; I had a cup of tea, which provided a little comfort, and I decided that a glass of red wine with dinner during my layover would be nice as well.
The red wine was indeed a good idea as I quickly fell into a deep sleep for the 2nd half of my journey. It was a good idea until I woke up. I felt sick, so sick. Sicker than I had ever felt before. My head was light but my stomach was heavy. I felt a serious urge to vomit but it seemed like I might faint first. And I was hot, sweating. My body was going in six different painful directions and the only apparent cause was being awake. I pressed the call button for the flight attendant but I couldn’t hear the tone. I wondered if the button was broken. When he came by I could barely hear him or see him – even though lights were on in the cabin. My vision had become dark and clouded, and it scared me. I managed to ask for water and he offered me aspirin, which I took. But it soon became clear to me that neither water nor aspirin was going to shake any of my symptoms. I got up to go to the bathroom but I couldn’t find it – I couldn’t see it. I could hear a female flight attendant nearby and the voice said I was in front of the bathroom but I couldn’t find the handle… it was just so dark! And then I heard a crash.
I opened my eyes and realized I was lying on the floor of the plane.
The female flight attendant sent a call over the intercom asking for any doctors on the plane to come to the front and I saw faces peering at me and asking questions. Another attendant came and brought blankets to put under my head. Even after I woke I continued to sweat and shake and apparently my skin had gone gray; I’m not sure how long I was out, or what the crash I heard was. One woman (a med student?) took my blood pressure and another woman (a nurse) asked me a series of questions. I was given orange juice to drink, and later some water. It was surmised that the red wine probably did me in and I was told that one glass on the ground equals three in the air. I didn’t think to mention the crying and how I had already felt dehydrated after that. I had felt deeply nauseous and intensely light-headed before – at the top of Mt. Fuji – but never on an airplane. So it seemed that my body was overcome by the potency of dehydration-induced altitude sickness. In addition to liquids I was given… oxygen! I looked at the little yellow oxygen mask thinking, I should have paid more attention to all those safety demonstrations. I had no idea how to tighten the straps so I alternated holding the mask up to my face with drinking water and answering questions about my health and how to spell my name. The flight attendant offered to have a wheelchair or paramedics meet the plane when it landed but I felt that would be completely unnecessary.
I also felt it might have been unnecessary to forgo my rental car and ask a local friend to pick me up but I was strongly cautioned against driving (especially given my temporary loss of vision), so I called. And she came. to the wrong airport. At that point I was like, whatever, I can drive. I’m no longer dehydrated or tens of thousands of miles in the air so I should be good to go. I made it to the rental car counter and I couldn’t wait to just get in the car and go but there was one small discrepancy on my contract that I wanted to clear up. The website I used for my flight and rental car booked my flight into San Francisco and out of San Jose but they booked my car going through the San Francisco airport both coming and going. Surely it would be no problem to just drop my car off at the San Jose airport? This is a national rental company, after all. Dropping off the car at San Jose wouldn’t be a problem – provided I pay a $100 fee (of course). That was the last thing I wanted to hear, but being too tired to vocalize the thundercloud that must have passed over my face I just went to the car. Sitting in the driver’s seat I just felt that long and arduous journey wash over me. Relieved and ready to finish the day I turned on the GPS system… and it was in French.
At that point I had to laugh – for one more thing gone wrong, but also because that was one thing that didn’t faze me.
The Endorsement Question February 20, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in politics.add a comment
A number of people continue to ask me, now that John Edwards is out of the race, who will I vote for/who might JRE endorse? It’s been reported by this point that both Obama and Clinton have sought an Edwards endorsement, but it’s not clear if/when he will. I can’t really speak to the possibilities of his endorsement but I can discuss who I would like to vote for in the NC primary.
If I were a single-issue voter I would hands-down vote for Hillary Clinton. Health care is a huge issue for me. While her plan admittedly isn’t the most ideal – especially given her ties to the health insurance industry – it is stronger than Obama’s plan. A major weakness in his plan is that there is no mandate – which means health insurance is optional. So whatever plan he puts into effect, the people who bought insurance will be punished when their rates increase as a result of the people who didn’t buy it but still have access to emergency care; which is one of the main problems with the existing system. What really gets me is that even if Obama changed his mind, he has already made it politically impossible for himself to adopt a more universal plan with a mandate. When Obama attacked the JRE plan (and as a corollary, the Clinton plan) from the Right, essentially using Republican talking points for his criticism, he burned the bridge for universal health care in an Obama administration. That really pissed me off. If you want to ‘reach across the aisle’ to people who don’t want to help you, that’s fine. But if you’re going to join them in attacking solid policy emanating from your own party then just cross the ‘aisle’ and let’s get on with it.
But I digress. I’m not a single-issue voter… I’m slightly torn because I think Hillary would make a more stable and competent executive and while I think it’s great that Barack – excuse me – the Barackstar, is so popular that celebrities are making music videos for him, I don’t know if that translates to effective leadership in Washington. One of my big brothers, who is an enthusiastic Obama supporter, told me that he believes if Obama can unite so many voters across such a broad spectrum he’ll probably be able to do it in Washington as well. I remain skeptical. It’s one thing to be the voice of people who previously felt like no one represented them; it’s quite another to challenge entrenched, powerful interests with warm and fuzzy phrases like “yes we can.” But I do hope my brother is right, and that Obama doesn’t get run over by the conservatives in Congress and the Supreme Court.
I fear that Obama might get run over by the Democratic Party as well. One of the things that initially drew me to him after his speech before the DNC in 2004 was that he baldly spoke out against the stigma that “a black child with a book is acting white.” This is an issue very personal to my family as boosting ‘minority achievement’ is something for which both of my parents have volunteered hundreds (thousands maybe?) of hours. I and my siblings have been those token black students in the AP classes in high school and at not-so-diverse institutions of higher learning. When he made that statement I was like yeah! Finally – somebody is talking about this! And then it disappeared; but what a missed opportunity. Sure that wasn’t on the nation’s collective consciousness, but neither was poverty – before JRE made it an issue. Universal health care wasn’t an option – until JRE proved it was possible. Barack Obama had the chance to address real issues that are holding back a lot of individuals in this country. He could have taken on stigmas that go beyond de facto academic segregation in schools; he had the platform to make it an issue, but he didn’t. So I wonder what other convictions he’d be willing to shed to remain the darling of the Democratic party.
On the other hand, I believe that Hillary Clinton would be willing to tear apart the Democratic party in order to get ahead. I believe her priorities are 1) Hillary Clinton; 2) the Clinton machine; 3) the American special interests; 4) the American people. Case in point, her vote to designate Iran as terrorist organization (or whatever that issue was, it’s been a while). There she was saying that we should stand up to Bush, etc, and then she goes and votes with along with him on his chronic war-mongering. I personally think she did it to ingratiate herself with the conservatives for the general election. And now she’s trying to get the votes/delegates of Michigan and Florida to count even though they violated their agreement with the DNC and were punished pursuant to that agreement. Yes, it’s unfair to the people of those states that they’re being put in the middle of the the DNC’s dirty laundry but they need to take that up with their state leadership that decided to flaunt the rules. Furthermore, what about the people who didn’t vote because their votes wouldn’t be counted? Might it be unfair to them to assure them their vote would not be counted, thereby strongly discouraging voter participation, and then count the vote? I think Hillary is only fighting that fight because she wants those delegates.
And did I mention that a vote for Barack Obama is a vote for nuclear power? Because it is. And I am soooooo anti nuclear power. If we’re going to invest money to make it ’safe’ as Obama has suggested, why don’t we invest in energy that is truly safe and renewable? Because IL nuclear power companies have invested strongly in his campaign, that’s why. To Hillary’s credit, she does not support nuclear power.
As it stands, I think that hypothetically Hillary Clinton would be a good executive, but with the exception of health care I’m not so trusting of her or her policy choices. I respect that Barack Obama has inspired so many people to participate in the political process, I think that’s fantastic; but I’m not convinced about his policy choices either, or his ability to stand his ground. And I must say, I’m not committed to politics; I’m much more a believer in policy. I believe that sound policy, when communicated well and sufficiently funded, is really what can change lives.
(All) that being said… I’ll probably support Obama in the NC primary (ahem, once I register to vote). I do believe that we need change – although I don’t necessarily believe that Obama will bring it. My hope is that all the people he has inspired to vote will remain a part of the process and begin to change it from the grassroots level, that they’ll call their congressmen and women to hold them accountable, that they’ll become more engaged in policy discussions, and that they’ll be motivated to do more than cast their vote. I don’t think Obama represents ‘change we can believe in’, but the individuals that support him do.
The Greatest Journey… really? February 9, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in Back in the U.S.A..1 comment so far
New York Times online: according to an ad for luxury Louis Vuitton, “Love is the greatest journey.”
Love is in the air – and on the air – as Valentine’s Day approaches. Last night at a noisy bar I had a lengthy heart-to-heart with a friend about love (following on the heels of last weekend’s heart-to-heart at a different bar). He believes that people should make sacrifices and take chances for love – which is nothing I haven’t heard before, but still I found it refreshing to hear him say it. I had to wonder, who among my friends has taken or will take a chance for love? My peer group is made up of independent, intelligent, world-traveling women. Some of us would gladly take the label of feminist, but regardless of labels, who among us would fight for a relationship? Who among us would willingly alter the course of our lives for another person? It’s not a question of being comfortable taking chances… but which chances we’ll take, and the justifications we have.
And is love really the greatest journey? What about self-discovery? I imagine those two journeys can be very closely linked. Love seems like such a confusing, nebulous thing… it frightens and intimidates people; might it be better to not seek it out? That’s what a journey implies to me – searching for something or reaching a destination. Excuse me while I put on my Merriam-Webster hat for a minute… If you’re looking for something that’s called a search. If you’re going somewhere that’s taking a trip. If you’re traveling without a destination you’re wandering. And yes, of course, “not all those who wander are lost…” (who said that?) I’m not sure what any of this is supposed to mean… This isn’t even a subject that I’m generally comfortable thinking about because it is so confusing and even if you think you’ve reached an answer in your head how do you possibly apply this to life? And what are all these platitudes about love and sacrifices and chances worth, if you can’t actually apply them to your life, or if nobody is willing to?
A Personal Note February 8, 2008
Posted by adelle387 in Back in the U.S.A..1 comment so far
I didn’t eat anything yesterday.
That’s not exactly true… I had a bowl of oatmeal in the morning and most of a cup of hot cocoa in the evening. But at least I managed not to spend the day in bed. I strongly preferred forced sleep over facing the day, but that was only sustainable for the first few hours as I couldn’t continue to ignore my morning hunger.
I guess you could say I’m going through a rough patch right now. I realized yesterday that my sense of satisfaction with life was far more delicate than I originally thought. It became clear to me yesterday when the one thing in my life that I was excited about started going to pieces. Deprived of the joy it gave me I realized I had nothing else in my life bringing me joy.
I understand this is all very vague, so let me bring it in…
Joblessness has been tough for me because I’ve tried hard to be employed and it hasn’t happened yet. I thought setting a goal might help so I ‘decided’ that I would have a job and a place to live (in Chicago) by my birthday, January 29th. What I learned from that is that you can’t place a timeline on those things! I was giving myself 3 weeks to get a job and move half-way across the country… ambitious, and quite possibly impossible. My birthday itself was a really tough Sixteen Candles -esque day as my birthday seemed to be only a minor afterthought for my family, and that morning the harsh reality of my job situation came crashing down on me. After a phone interview with a company in Chicago in the morning I realized that my plan wasn’t going to work.
Plan B – unemployment benefits – didn’t work either. I applied for unemployment benefits from the state of Iowa, but I was told that as I didn’t work in the United States in the previous year I wasn’t eligible for unemployment benefits until April. I think everybody knows by now that I’m still owed over $2000 by my Japanese employer who went bankrupt; and I’m not eligible to receive unemployment benefits from Japan either.
So here I am, ineligible in America and screwed by Japan; no solid job prospects and no income. Sure, I have potential; I’m young and bright, have an interesting resume (a job in Japan and a presidential campaign!), etc; but I’m still unemployed.
So my joy, when I have it, is in people – my friends in Chapel Hill and my boyfriend in California. Long distance relationships are hard, but for the right person you want to try to make it work…
I think this is maybe the most personal blog I’ve done. Suffice it to say, I’m losing my sources of joy. I know I’ll always have my friends but when the patch gets rougher and rougher that little bit of balm can still only go so far. Today I got out of bed and put on make-up and a skirt; played a little bit of Attack on Facebook (my new favorite thing to do). I often wish I could go to sleep and wake up in three months. I got out of the house yesterday and met up with some friends who were studying at a coffee shop. I tried to be productive and apply for a job. I ended up just crying a lot. Even on the way home I was sobbing so hard everything was blurry. And I didn’t eat.
Today I only spent an extra hour in bed – and that was with a book. I had my daily bowl of oatmeal… but I’m still not hungry.
